Wednesday, December 1, 2010

An anonymous letter home from Iraq during the holiday season... OPERATION NEW DAWN

November 2010 update from the Iraq
November is almost over and Third platoon is still rolling strong. I have had a few interesting missions during the past month and even negotiated my platoon into a hotel on a base in Baghdad for the night. You know the war is going well when a Colonel has the time to call and bitch about how a LT tricked the housing office and snuck a platoon of combat soldiers into some decent housing instead of some nasty tents. Other than that the flamethrowers of third platoon have been burning around the clock with great success. I can state with great confidence that I am Smokey the Bear’s antithesis and have even burned a bear during a route sanitation mission.
I had a platoon football game on Thanksgiving morning and the NCOs were crushed by the younger enlisted men. I unfortunately had cast my lot with the NCOs and suffered a defeat worthy of the Vikings. My Army fantasy league suffered the same fate as I had 2nd highest points scored in the league, but highest points against. My gyrocam and robot operator took me out of playoff contention. I outscored him every week except the two weeks he played against me, but such is Army life.
Speaking of Army life, I decided it is for the birds so I quit last Sunday when my commander refused to change my mission start time. I wanted to watch the Packers game and told him those roadside bombs weren’t going anywhere and they could wait an extra three hours to blow me up. He didn’t agree, and I think the Admin guys lost my walking papers because I had to go on mission during the Packer game again this week!

The holidays are coming and I have been singing Christmas carols to Iraqis from my truck’s loudspeaker. Maybe they don’t understand English too well because they all start yelling at me and a few started shooting at us once. I get tired of “Silent Night” every once awhile, but I haven’t shot anyone over it yet. This just furthers my belief that Iraqis are violent people. Speaking of the holidays I offered to kill the wild pigs running around Iraq and generally murdering the civilians in their sleep, but the Army says that’s an “Iraqi problem” and Iraqis should deal with it. I told them having bombs on the side of Iraqi roads is their problem too, but they didn’t agree. I was pretty disappointed because I planned on sending all of you boar tusk necklaces for Christmas. So instead I bought you all tactical shooter gloves. They were on sale at the PX and you can never have enough shooter gloves, I have seven pairs. One for each day of the week and fun colors too: black, green, tan, off tan, and off green (that’s a hot one right now!).
If you haven’t heard I was promoted on the 16th. My platoon had to show an Air Force two star general our vehicles. I’m pretty sure they were impressed by our steel behemoths boy the look on their faces when we told them the trucks didn’t fly were priceless! The general told my platoon that one of us was out of uniform and he was not happy about it. So we all were looking around trying to see who was jacked up and he walked over to me, ripped off my old rank and threw on my 1st Lieutenant rank. I was really surprised and pretty impressed that my commander had set this up for me, even though he won’t let me watch the Packers.
Other than that I’m not sure I have much more to report. I have started campaigning for Company Commander for Korea II, the War to Remember. I have a decent number of votes so I think I am good standing to be right in the thick of that mess. I’ll probably stop taking pictures in Iraq because the light is bad and I think I can get some better ones when I’m in Korea clearing tunnels and minefields. I’ve been practicing and 50% of the time I can find a mine all of the time. Those mines are tricky, hard to find like car keys or wallets. Imagine losing your keys and you have to find them under dirt of all places, not easy trust me. Anyway feel free to shoot me any questions about my month of November or whatever. I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving and remember to be good or your getting a lump of coal from me instead of a shiny boar tusk necklace for Christmas, and I have imagery satellites so I know you’ve been speeding Mike, now cut it out.
Much love,

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